Still a struggle

Here I am once again contemplating actually starting this blog. The idea of it started over a year ago as a way for me to express myself and attempt to work through some of my grief. In all honesty, I have just been too exhausted to start it. And maybe scared to try and work through all of the emotions that are constantly swirling around inside me.

It has been 29 months since Gavin was born and 28 since we lost him. I still miss him so much each day. I ache to know what he would have looked like at almost 2 1/2. Would he still look just as much like his big brother Carson? Would he be a mommy's boy or a rough and tumble Daddy's boy? I watch Carson and Collin with Emerson and sometimes it is like a knife to the heart to think of all that they missed with Gavin and all that he is missing with us. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Emerson is such a joy, but that joy does not cancel out the grief we still feel. I sometimes still wonder if I am going to survive this.